The Harry Potter Effect
by Wyx
Summary: Nothing ever happens as planned around Harry. Everything that can go wrong does so. How else can you explain all the crazy things that have happened to him?  Goblet of Fire, Humorous but not completely ridiculous. T for some language.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine and blahblahblah

I'm sorry that I didn't finish my other story before starting this one. I always hate it when authors don't finish their stories, but the inspiration came for this one and it flowed out rather quickly.

This story is going to be a lot less serious than my first one.

I'm pretty sure I've borrowed some concepts from other authors (such as the title of this story). But in fan fiction, not much is really original and I'm far too lazy to go find whichever stories I might have used ideas from.

XXXXX

Back at the beginning of third year, Ron had joked that everything that could possibly go wrong would "get bollocks'd up" in Harry's presence. After all, there was a plethora of evidence for it. A man possessed by Voldemort's soul and a fraudulent celebrity had both managed to get Dumbledore to hire them as DADA teachers and a cursed diary had unleashed an ancient basilisk, which somehow failed to kill any students at all with its many lethal weapons. Ron had even started to privately suspect that the Killing Curse that had rebounded upon its caster had failed not because of Harry's mother's protection, but rather because of the strange, chaotic tendencies of what he had deemed "The Harry Potter Effect".

As Dumbledore reached into the Goblet of Fire, extracted the parchment, and announced his name, part of Harry started to believe that the Harry Potter Effect was not a theory, but a law. It did seem as if ridiculous things were bound to happen around him.

Harry walked back to the Gryffindor common room after having been patronized by Fleur Delacour, accused by Snape, and informed of the "magically binding contract" by Crouch. Ron stormed up to him with red ears and an incensed look.

"You know, if you found a way to get past the Age Line, you could've shared."

Harry sighed. He decided to try the one explanation that could possibly have a chance at convincing him. "HPE, Ron. H – P – E." Ron still looked irked, but after a few moments of internal struggling, seemed to accept it. It wasn't like him to be completely reasonable or understanding, but as the proposer of the Harry Potter Effect, he was all too familiar with his concept. At this point, Hermione ventured over to their little dispute.

"Of course when you're here, somebody manages to tamper with an ancient artifact that nobody has ever managed to influence before. Honestly Harry, I hope you never get within 50 miles of a nuke," Hermione said.

"What's a nook?" Ron asked, momentarily distracted. Harry stifled a laugh that was threatening to spill out.

"It's sort of like a giant Dungbomb that kills people," he replied. Hermione arched an eyebrow. Harry thought he saw a corner of her mouth twitching.

"Whoa...crazy Muggles," Ron exclaimed, looking more shocked than fearful.

XXXXX

The next day, Harry was greeted by hostile looks from the usually friendly Hufflepuffs. Ron had to pull him down to avoid a flying pancake coming from behind at breakfast. Though Harry successfully dodged the projectile, the pancake still splattered into the person sitting across from him.

"Oops. Sorry Neville. _Scourgify!_"

"It's okay, Harry. Thanks."

"Bloody gits," Ron muttered. Before anybody could comment further, Dumbledore stood up at the head table.

"Good morning my little sheep!" Harry grinned. Was he implying what Harry thought he was? "My beard has informed me that Harry was not, in fact, responsible for entering his name into the Goblet of Fire."

"His beard?" Hermione was flabbergasted. The other tables seemed unsure whether to take the announcement seriously or not. Fred and George were sniggering uncontrollably.

"I told you he was a nutter," Ron calmly replied. "But now we finally have the answer to why he enchanted the Age Line with a beard spell! He's crazy for them!"

"His beard seems like a pretty nice piece of facial hair. I'll have to get to know it better this year," Harry deadpanned. Harry and Ron enjoyed Hermione's expression until she characteristically snapped out of it to remind them to get to class.

"Herbology with the Hufflepuffs. Great."

"HPE, Harry. Accept it and move on," Ron sagely advised

"Our schedules have been set since the beginning of this year, Ron. This isn't caused by random chance."

"There is nothing HPE cannot do." Hermione gave an exasperated sigh.

"You know, maybe if I just sit there and do nothing about all the nasty tricks the Hufflepuffs are going to play on me, HPE will protect me," Harry mused.

"Or maybe it will screw up _your_ plan by not messing with the Hufflepuffs," Ron countered. Hermione looked ready to explode at their illogical plots, but they were saved by reaching the greenhouses, where they were informed by an unusually frosty Professor Sprout that the lesson was about to begin.

Harry didn't see anything on his seat but decided to play it safe in case. He muttered a quick "_Scourgify_" before sitting down. He thought he spotted a disappointed look on Justin Finch-Fletchley's face. As he sat, he yelped in surprise as the chair gave way beneath him. Reacting unusually quickly, Ron hit him with a quick Wingardium Leviosa, saving him from an embarrassing fall.

"Thanks mate," Harry muttered.

"Any time."

"5 points from Gryffindor for being a distraction, Mr. Potter," Professor Sprout declared, sounding remarkably like Snape.

By the end of the lesson, Ernie Macmillan was red with frustration as his Tickling Hex, Jelly-Legs Jinx, and Furnunculus had all been avoided by a seemingly unaware Harry Potter.

On his part, Harry had been too caught up in trying to carefully handle the bubotuber pus to notice random jets of light slipping past him. A part of him may have been purposefully letting down his guard, but he kept himself from thinking it consciously, afraid that HPE would turn on him.

XXXXX

Potions was even more hostile than Herbology had been. The Slytherins were outright nasty, pressing their Support Cedric Diggory badges to reveal a flashing red Potter Stinks.

"You'd think they would have something better to do with their time than sit around thinking of ways to be bigger gits," Ron commented in a stage whisper.

"Ah, Weasley, I know that your family has to spend all of its time working, but please don't confuse the difference between upper-class and lower-class wizards with your puny little mind," Malfoy sneered.

"Yea Malfoy, I'd hate it if Ron had trouble distinguishing between Fudge's ass-kisser and an honest worker," Harry snorted. Malfoy turned pink and turned his sneer to full blast.

"At least I have parents, Potter." Harry's expression contorted. "Oh, too soon? Is poor baby Potty going to cry?" Ron drew his wand but Harry held him back. He simply stared stonily at the blonde ferret.

"I'm not going to get you now, Malfoy. I might not even get you today, or this week. But I am literally going to hex the shit out of you," Harry replied evenly. The surrounding Gryffindors all chuckled, while Malfoy looked perturbed at the seemingly calm reaction. Further dispute was halted when Snape strode into the classroom, robe billowing like a bat's wings behind him.

"There will be silence," he demanded softly. "Twenty points from Gryffindor, Potter."

"Not even bothering to come up with reasons for the points now?" Ron muttered angrily.

"An additional twenty points, Mr. Weasley. The potion you dunderheads are attempting today will be too complicated for many of you." Snape glared at the Gryffindors as he spoke. "Many of you will fail. The instructions are on the board. Work in pairs. Begin." It was well-known that Snape refused to allow Hermione to work with Neville, as she'd prevent him from failing as usual, so they ended up pairing themselves as Harry with Hermione and Ron with Neville. Harry winced as he looked at Ron and Neville; they were most certainly doomed to failure already. However, there was no chance of Hermione and Ron working together. He doubted they could cease their constant bickering long enough to concoct a decent potion.

Harry thought the potion in his cauldron actually looked rather promising, for once. Not even Snape's constant hovering and sneering could prevent Hermione from forcing Harry into following the instructions precisely. Unlike in Herbology, Harry constantly kept his guard up in Potions. He was almost certain that Malfoy, at least, would try to slip something into his cauldron.

Sure enough, as Harry was adding the bicorn during the fourth clockwise stir, he saw Malfoy drawing his wand out of the corner of his eye. The slimy Slytherin was stealthily floating a leaf of fluxweed at his cauldron. Harry drew his wand to fend off the sabotage, when Snape stopped him.

"Not so fast, Potter. I don't believe any of the instructions required a wand."

"Malfoy –"

"I don't care what the other students are doing. What I care about is why you are blatantly disregarding instructions. Another trait of your foolish father, I see." Harry reluctantly sheathed his wand, seething. Hermione looked furious that all her hard work was about to be ruined.

"Please don't explode," Harry thought, as he watched the fluxweed drop into his cauldron. Malfoy and Snape both grinned maliciously as the cauldron did exactly as Harry feared. Harry managed to dodge in time, but Hermione was sprayed with the ruined Invigoration Draught. Most of the Slytherins, especially Snape and Malfoy, laughed viciously at the incident. Harry gave the two of them a disgusted look as he and Ron led a sobbing Hermione to the Hospital Wing.

"Now now, dear girl. I need to see your face to know if anything is wrong." Madame Pomfrey requested soothingly. Hermione reluctantly parted her hands. Pomfrey looked over her face and hands and cast a few diagnostic charms.

"I'll need you to open your mouth as well, dear." Pomfrey looked around, cast another couple of charms, and gave the diagnosis. "I don't see anything particularly unusual. Perhaps you'd like to look in a mirror to see if anything's changed?" Hermione nodded. She peered at herself for a couple of seconds before giving a startled yelp.

"My teeth!" she exclaimed excitedly. She smiled widely at Harry and Ron. Her teeth were straight, white, and perfectly sized, unlike the two front teeth she had before.

"So the only thing that a fluxweed-infused Invigoration Draught does is…fix your teeth?" Harry said wondrously.

"It's HPE!" Ron celebrated. "It blasted Malfoy's plot to pieces!" Hermione smiled even more as she too realized how Malfoy's plan had backfired on him.

"I'm still going to hex the shit out of him," Harry announced. His two friends nodded in consensus.

XXXXX

"Why, damnit! Why?" Harry had just returned from seeing the dragons with Hagrid.

"Harry I understand that dragons are frightening, but –"

"No, not that," Harry cut her off.

"Then what?"

"Now that I know what the first task is, I'm going to start planning stuff in my head and it'll all get messed up!" Harry started shaking his head. "No, stop it! Bad brain, bad!" Hermione gaped at him.

"Harry, you need to stop believing in this ridiculous 'Harry Potter Effect' nonsense," she scolded.

"Hermione! Don't disrespect it," Ron said urgently. He quickly spun his head around and shifted his eyes. "It's watching us," he whispered. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"At the very least we can go to the library and find some spells to practice." Ron looked ready to protest, but Harry held him back.

"Fine, just don't pick any dragon books on purpose." Part of Harry knew that he was being ridiculous about HPE, but it was the only thing keeping Ron from thinking that he had put his name in the Goblet.

XXXXX

"Summoning charm?" Ron suggested.

"I doubt they'll make it that easy to get the egg," Hermione replied.

"Eh, let's learn it anyway. What's the incantation?" Harry's plan was to know so many spells that if (when) the whole situation went crazy, he'd have some way to solve it.

"_Accio_, followed by the object."

"Ooh, this looks useful. Flame-freezing charm," Hermione said.

"Not sure if it will work as well on dragon fire as well as it does on conventional fire, but whatever, throw it in." The three of them continued to research and practice spells whenever they had free time. Sometimes, Harry thought he saw Viktor Krum staring in their direction, but the Bulgarian always seemed to look away just as Harry looked up.

"Hmm…lip reader?" Harry thought to himself. Harry was glad that if his suspicions were correct, then at least Krum appeared to be working on his own. If the famous Seeker ever decided to take advantage of his swarms of fan girls, he'd probably have an unstoppable army. Cedric Diggory also visited the library quite often, but thankfully he signed out the books and left the library immediately whenever he saw Harry. Harry hoped that Cedric's behavior was out of a desire to keep his House from bothering Harry, rather than a personal grudge against the other Hogwarts champion.

Contrary to Krum and Cedric, Fleur never seemed to grace the Hogwarts library with her presence. It made sense that the other schools would bring their own study materials with them, but at least Krum expressed a desire to learn from new sources.

XXXXX

Harry tentatively approached the dungeons. He didn't know why Dumbledore had called him here, but there seemed to be no sign of the wizened wizard. Sounds from Snape's office drew his attention, and Harry peeked through the slightly ajar door.

"Snape, Severus Snape," he said, staring into the mirror and flipping his hair flamboyantly.

"What's this, you ask?" Snape drew his wand and pointed it into the window. "Ah, this is just my gun. I call it the Italian Stallion. It's long, hard, and dangerous, just like a certain Potions master."

"Damn right I'm sexy. Witches ain't shit!" Snape growled as he struck a pose, flexing his arms and swinging them back and forth.

"This is quite possibly the best day of my life," Harry pondered. He heard a muffled chuckle beside him. "Who's there?" he whispered. Dumbledore appeared at Harry's side and waved his wand, creating a small bubble around them.

"Hello dear boy. My beard suggested that you might enjoy young Severus's antics."

"I did very much, sir. My thanks to your beard."

"Please, Harry. Call her Fredward."

"Err…it's a pleasure to meet you, Fredward." At this point, Harry had learned to take the Headmaster's many eccentricities in stride.

"Say hello, Fredward," Dumbledore ordered gently. His beard slowly swayed back and forth. "Aww! Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl? You are!" He reached into his robes, extracted what looked like a dog biscuit, and inserted it into his mass of chin hair. Muffled crunching sounds emitted from the beard as it writhed rhythmically. The whole situation was vaguely surreal.

"Anyway, young Harold, I just thought you'd like to meet Fredward."

"It was a pleasure, sir." Dumbledore started to turn to walk away, but then a gap opened in his beard and its upper and lower parts began to move like lips.

"I like turtles," Fredward stated. Harry's jaw dropped.

"AS DO I!" Dumbledore thundered. He disappeared with a bang, leaving behind several clouds of smoke. Coughing, Harry left the dungeons wondering if he was going crazy.

XXXXX

By the time Harry finished retelling the experience to his best friends later in the day, Ron was on the floor in tears and Hermione looked as if somebody had just approached her with an attempt to disprove gravity.

"Maybe 'I like turtles' was a hint?" she suggested weakly.

"Maybe Dumbledore's just nuts," Ron said between chokes of laughter.

"I wonder how he knew Fredward was a girl?" Harry mused.

"Simple. The thing's even loonier than him!" Ron chortled. Hermione smacked him.

XXXXX

The next day, as Harry was on his way to Transfiguration, he was approached by the most oddly dressed third year he'd ever seen. She swayed up to him lightly, bottle cap necklace swinging wildly.

"Hello Harry Potter. I'm Looney Lovegood. We know each other through Fredward," she announced brightly.

"I'm sorry, what did you say your first name was?"

"Luna," she replied innocently.

"And you're friends with Dumbledore's beard?"

"Actually, I would say we're more along the line of colleagues. My beard, Patricia, is quite affectionate with the lovely miss Fredward, however." Harry looked at her chin, which was devoid of any sort of hair. "Patricia's been feeling a little bit insecure lately. He's afraid that Fredward might like Hagrid's beard more than him."

"My life is getting more and more surreal," Harry murmured.

"I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that. Were you talking to your beard?" Luna inquired.

"I don't have a beard…I think," Harry said uncertainly.

"Oh. That's a shame. They're quite lovely," Luna replied sympathetically as she stroked the air beneath her chin.

"Am I dreaming?" Harry asked abruptly.

"No, I believe you're under the influence of the Luna Lovegood Effect," she replied with a serious look.

"What? You have an effect too?"

"Yes, but I'm afraid it's not as interesting as yours."

"I'm actually rather frightened of mine," Harry admitted.

"Oh, don't be scared! It just wants to be friends."

"Err, I wasn't aware that my effect was, well, sentient."

"I bet you didn't know that Dumbledore's beard was either." There was definitely some sort of flaw to her logic, but Harry couldn't see it.

"Well, that _is_ true…" Without warning, Luna flounced off dreamily, leaving Harry standing there, still unsure as to whether he was truly awake or not.

XXXXX

Harry dropped into a chair, exhausted from another night of practicing random spells until he could cast no more.

"So, did either of you know that Luna Lovegood has a beard too?" Ron perked up at this and looked ready to laugh to the point of tears again.

"That crazy Ravenclaw third-year? Isn't she the one who always goes around talking about imaginary creatures?" Ron cackled.

"Yes, I've heard that her family will believe in anything as long as there's no proof of its existence," Hermione said huffily. Harry frowned at this, as it seemed rather rude. He supposed that Hermione considered Luna's beliefs to be an affront to her cherished school of logic.

"Also, she apparently has an effect, too," Harry continued.

"You mean like…HPE?" Ron uttered the last three letters in a dramatic whisper.

"Yea, only it makes your life seem surreal, unlike mine, which simply screws everything around it up. She seemed to believe that HPE is a living, thinking being."

"She also believes in Crumple-Jawed Snorlax or something. Doesn't mean it exists," Ron laughed.

"Ron, you're the one who thinks the so-called 'Harry Potter Effect' is sitting around, watching for opportunities to make a mess of things."

"It's everywhere," he demanded frantically. Suddenly, there was a loud crack. Ron leapt with fright and hid behind his chair. Dobby landed on his head in front of Harry.

"Great and Noble Harry Potter sir, vanquisher of terrible Dark Lord Voldymort, emancipator of wretched cretens such as I, Dobby has come to assist you in your valiant crusade!" the odd elf declared. The three of them simply goggled, until Harry finally found the words to speak.

"Err Dobby, why are you talking like that?"

"Mistress Fredward, her most hairiness, told Dobby that Great and Noble Harry Potter would enjoy it," Dobby squeaked importantly.

"Err..right…you can just speak normally."

"Yes sir, Harry Potter sir! Dobby has come to deliver a gift from her most hairiness!" With that, Dobby drew a turtle up from nowhere, handed it to Harry, and disappeared with another loud crack. Ron burst into laughter.

"I like turtles! HAHAHAHA!"

Ignoring Ron, Hermione pursed her lips and voiced her concern. "Isn't it against the rules for Professor Dumbledore to give you help during the tasks?"

"Well, I suppose whatever oaths he took don't apply to his beard," Harry stated with a wry grin. The turtle poked its head out of the shell and peered interestedly at Harry.

"Aww, so cute! I'm going to call it Nancy!"

"Harry, you don't even know whether the turtle is male or female," Hermione interjected.

"I don't care! He or she is now Nancy!"

Finally calming down from his fits of laughter, Ron joined into the conversation. "What I don't get is how this turtle is supposed to help you."

"Well, if Fredward is as crazy as the man whose chin she lives on, it's probably some obscure hint that won't really help in the long run," Harry replied.

"I say we sleep on it!" Ron declared. To his surprise, Hermione didn't protest.

XXXXX

Several days later, Harry had learned more spells but none of them had a clue as to how the turtle was supposed to help him. It was now the morning of the first task, and Harry was experiencing pre-Quidditch jitters worse than the ones he'd felt as a first-year. A variety of students swung by to either offer encourage him or taunt him further. Seamus Finnegan gave him a four-leaf clover. Some Hufflepuffs passed by, brandishing Support Cedric Diggory badges. Draco Malfoy led a parade of Slytherins wearing the same badges, but pressing them to say Potter Stinks.

"Great and Noble HPE, I offer you this sacrifice in hopes that you will look favorably upon Harry," Ron said as he closed his eyes and clasped his hands in front of an altar of food that he'd constructed from two pancakes, multiple sausages, an apple, an egg, and his utensils. Many of the people in the surrounding seats were looking at him oddly and edging away.

"You sound just like Dobby," Hermione giggled.

Harry refrained from communicating with his effect so publicly, but hoped that an internal message would do the job. He felt slightly stupid just sitting there thinking messages to himself, but he still thought there was a grain of truth to Luna's odd beliefs.

"Err, hello there. I'm Harry. My friends and I don't really know what you're called, so we've stuck with HPE so far. Could you please, if possible, not harm me or mess with anything that I try to do? Thanks, you'd be doing me a huge favor."

After a couple of moments of waiting, Harry noticed no apparent signs of any being receiving his message.

"Champions, please head to the briefing for the first task," Professor McGonagall announced.

XXXXX

Author's Note: Yay, a new story! This chapter was a lot of fun to write, but I'm a little concerned that I may be moving too fast. I mean, first task already? At this rate, I'll have 8 chapters at most (including more preparation, Yule Ball, epilogue, etc). Hmmm…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and I am Batman, etc.

I heard a great quote today: "The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go: Hey, I'm Vine Man."

Wisdom at its best.

Also, I sort of forget how the points system in the original GoF book worked, so I might be inventing my own. It's not original at all, but I vaguely recall parts of it from the book. Just piecing stuff together.

Actually, now that I think about it, my point system might be pretty much what was used in the book. Ah well…whatever. Or, in the solemn, dignified words of one of my friends: "WUT-EVER. I DUN EVEN KEERRR."

XXXXX

"You will be tasked to get past the dragon and retrieve…the _golden egg_!" Ludo Bagman announced to them excitedly. Krum and Fleur both displayed no emotion at the declaration, while Cedric paled. To his credit, the Hufflepuff quickly restored his brave visage, refusing to lose face in front of the other champions.

"So, everyone cheated but him. Poor guy," Harry thought. After the other champions had finished drawing their dragons, Harry was left going last, against the Hungarian Horntail. He grimaced at the scaled model of the beast; even for a dragon, it looked lethal beyond the norm. The tournament clearly sought to counterbalance the extra time Harry would get going last with a more dangerous dragon. Ironically, the only champion who actually needed the extra time to come up with a plan was Cedric, who was going first.

After the third bout of clamorous applause had sounded, signaling Krum's success, Harry stepped out into the massive arena that had been prepared. At this point Harry highly regretted not planning anything, but figured he might as well do whatever came to mind, if only to avoid looking like an idiot.

"_Accio Nancy!_" Hell, the crazy beard's cryptic hints might be worth something. As Nancy's bright green shell zoomed out of the school and into his hand, Harry was stricken with an idea. He took his time to transfigure a pair of shining silver cannons onto Nancy's shell, elongated its legs into claws, turned its head and body blue and its shell brown, and finished the masterpiece with a massive Engorgement Charm. Slightly drained, Harry climbed onto the turtle as it was still growing. As it finished, he climbed into the gargantuan terrapin's mouth, stuck his wand out of the opening, and created a jet of water with _Aguamenti_.

_"Sonorous_," Harry muttered with his wand at his throat.

"GO BLASTOISE!" Harry cackled. Nancy, somehow sensing her duty, stomped across the arena to face the Horntail, which Harry had begun to think of as Charizard. The massive turtle locked claws with the fierce black dragon, neither giving an inch of ground. To add atmosphere to the encounter, Harry began playing battle music out of his wand.

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" a deep manly voice roared along with a familiar techno tune. Charizard, frustrated by meeting an equal in strength, opened its mouth to unleash a torrent of flames. Not to let his dear Nancy get burnt, Harry threw a Flame-Freezing Charm, _Protego__**,**_ and his own countering jet of water. Though Harry's efforts slightly hindered the dragon fire's advances, their onset was inevitable. Harry jumped out of the turtle's mouth as Nancy lowered her head to allow the twin cannons to face the Horntail.

"Blastoise! Use hydro pump!" By some twist of fate, the two cannons Harry had transfigured were able to shoot out enormous bursts of water, an ability that Harry had certainly not thought of while performing the change.

"Praise be HPE!" Harry thought as he ran past the distracted Chariz – err, dragon, and swiped the golden egg. As the adrenaline started to seep out of his body, Harry became aware of Bagman's commentary.

"Can you folks believe it? Our youngest champion has reached the egg unscathed!" he said grandly. Harry was escorted off the field, but needing no medical attention, he simply headed directly for the scoring.

Crouch shot a 9 into the air. Harry could see how he may have lost points for useless grandstanding, but he firmly believed that the theme music and attack orders were central to his strategy.

Bagman gave him a 10. He suddenly looked like a very wise man, in Harry's eyes. It's a shame that he didn't have a beard.

Speaking of beards, Dumbledore was the next to give him a score. Harry received a 9, along with a wink, several twinkles, and some wild beard waving.

"Fredward was most pleased at your success," he said.

"The moon is in the house of Karflog!" Fredward interjected fiercely.

Madame Maxime looked reluctant as she also gave Harry a 9.

Karkaroff, in a display of complete and utter impartiality, shot a 3 into the air. Several officials around him directed pointed looks and raised eyebrows at the Bulgarian headmaster.

As Harry left the pitch grinning, Ron and Hermione accosted him excitedly.

"Great job, mate!" Ron cheered. Hermione was still giggling from his performance.

"Really, Harry? Pokemon?"

"There are no copyright laws," Harry commanded as he waved his hand mysteriously. Dropping the serious expression, he laughed as he continued: "Nobody in the Magical England plays Muggle video games anyway, so it should be fine."

"Harry, you're in second place!"

"You'd be in first if Karkaroff wasn't so blatantly biased," Hermione added with a disgusted look.

"And that Delacour girl is in third, and Diggory in fourth," Ron finished.

Harry cringed guiltily at this. He should've thought to level the playing field with the other Hogwarts champion. No matter what, they were both representing the same school. Brushing those thoughts aside, he decided to simply enjoy the victory for now.

"There's only one thing to do now," Harry declared. "Let's throw a raging party, for everything I stand for!"

"Oh? And what _do_ you stand for?" Hermione inquired.

"Truth! Justice! And fuck da police – err, the Aurors!"

"Don't forget Snorkacks!" Luna cheerfully added, as she materialized seemingly from nowhere.

"That too," Harry chortled. "Did Patricia enjoy the first task?"

"Oh yes, he thought it was the second most exciting thing he has ever seen?"

"Really? What was the first?"

"_The day…the music died_," she sang softly. After a moment of silence, Ron sniffled loudly.

"That was beautiful!"

"Gracias, Señor Ronaldo."

XXXXX

"Okay guys, Malfoy's about to walk by the corridor with the painting of the Austrian monks. Let's move out!" Harry ordered as he looked up from the Marauder's Map.

"Umm, Harry, I get that you're getting your revenge on Malfoy, but why do we have to look like this again?" Neville asked hesitantly.

"Because the moon is in the house of Karflog!" Harry explained as they briskly made their way to intercept their target.

"Aww, people don't normally look like this while playing pranks?" Luna said disappointedly.

"Maybe we can set an example with this one," Harry replied with a devilish grin.

"I still think the hippogryph disguises would work better," Ron grumbled.

"Perhaps. But these costumes entertain me much, much more."

XXXXX

Draco Malfoy swaggered through the halls, looking as (in his opinion) bodacious as usual.

Catching his reflection in a suit of armor, he stopped momentarily to admire the view. "Damn I'm sexy, just like Sna – wait what?" he cut himself off. "Weird thoughts, go away, come again another…never…" Malfoy shook his head and moved on. Before he could comprehend what was happening, he was surrounded by five large mounds of hair. Were they…beards?

"What the –" The beards began dancing in sync and burst into song.

"_Beardy weirdy weirdadee doo!_

_ Malfoy's a git, we know it's true_

_ Beardy weirdy weirdadah dee_

_ He's a little fairy, we can all agree_

_ What do you get when you milk a flobberworm's teat?_

_ A smelly turd even a troll won't eat_

_ Oh Malfoy, you sneaky, greasy ignorant rat_

_ More repulsive than what Buckbeak's spat_

_ Beardy weirdy weirdadee doo!_

_ I haven't forgotten my promise, too_

_ Malfoy, I'm going to hex the shit out of you_

_ Beardy weirdy weirdadee doo_

_ Weirdadee do!"_

With that, Harry stripped off his costume, drew his wand, and started casting every spell that came to mind. Once Malfoy had been severely disfigured, the five of them fell onto the floor cackling madly. As they recovered, Ron wrinkled his nose.

"Bloody hell! What is that awful smell?"

"That, good sir, is the smell of victory," Harry replied with a triumphant smirk.

"Harry, did you actually hex the…you know…out of him?" Hermione asked with a disapproving look.

"I'm a man of my word."

As they walked back, Ron spoke up: "You're right. These costumes were the right choice."

XXXXX

"Mr. Potter, did you have anything to do with Mr. Malfoy's 'accident' last night?" Professor McGonagall glared down at him severely.

"Who, me?" Harry replied innocently. "I heard that beards were involved, though. Maybe you should ask Fredward. Or Patricia."

McGonagall sighed. "Well, could you, despite your total innocence, undo the Permanent Sticking Charm that mysteriously appeared between Mr. Malfoy and the ceiling."

"With much reluctance, I could indeed." Harry continued to munch on his breakfast heartily. McGonagall rubbed her temples tiredly.

"Mr. Potter…" she warned.

"Oh, please, Professor? Can't we all just pretend we didn't see anything? I promise I'll fix it in a few weeks," Harry begged.

"_Mr. Potter,_" McGonagall hissed in a threatening tone.

"Ah fine."

As they left breakfast, McGonagall gave Harry an appraising look.

"You know Mr. Potter, I never would have expected you to learn a Permanent Sticking Charm at your age."

"Fredward taught me."

"Albus's beard?" she asked with raised eyebrows.

"Nah, Fredward's my nickname for Hermione. We found it in some book from her hoard." McGonagall briefly wondered whether all the physical and mental trauma over the years had finally gotten to one of her favorite students. Not that she kept favorites, of course.

When they reached the corridor that Harry had stuck Malfoy to, they were greeted by the sight of Snape caressing the currently deformed git's cheek gently.

"Snivellus!" Harry and McGonagall exclaimed, horrified. She looked a little guilty at slipping into the nickname. Harry winked at her.

"It's not what it looks like!" Snape spluttered. "Just sometimes it's hard to find someone else who can understand what it's like."

"What _what's_ like?" Harry inquired.

"To be…irresistibly sexy."

Harry burst into raucous unrestrained laughter. Professor McGonagall had the dignity to hastily disguise her chuckles as a cough.

"Mr. Potter, please perform the spell," she said primly. Harry lifted his wand and opened his mouth, but all that came out was:

"BAHAHAHA!"

Several failed attempts later, Harry finally managed to calm down long enough to free the blonde ferret. Snape carted him off to the Hospital Wing and Harry was left wondering how many Galleons this memory could fetch. Of course, his pleasant thoughts were soon interrupted by a warning of impending doom.

"Mr. Potter, this will be announced soon anyway, but since we're already here, I might as well tell you. This year, Hogwarts will be hosting the Yule Ball, as part of the traditions of the Triwizard Tournament. Champions and their dates are expected to open the ball with the first dance."

"Date?" Harry exclaimed. "Minerva, this is madness!"

"Madness?" she replied. "This – is – SNIVELLUS!" Harry was incapacitated by uncontrollable laughter once more.

"You win this round, Minnie," he admitted, wiping tears from his eyes.

"We are _not_ on a first-name basis, Mr. Potter. And you will have a date for the ball." She strode off with a sweep of tartan.

XXXXX

"A dance? Harry, this is madness!" Ron exclaimed.

"THIS IS…nevermind," Harry said. "Anyway, I thought I'd warn you, so you'd have a head start on finding a date."

"Thanks, mate," Ron replied fervently. "Problem is, I have no idea who to ask. I'm not really close with any girls at our school."

"What about Hermione?"

"Who?"

"…well, just pick somebody and ask. I'd avoid Lavender, though."

"Why's that?"

"Fredward says she's nuts."

"Maybe I can just ask Fredward," Ron joked.

"I think you'd break Patricia's heart. Poor guy's already worried about Hagrid's beard."

"At worst, I'll just ask Ginny," Ron groaned with a resigned look.

"NO!" Harry bellowed. "Going with your sister? That's like, totes social suicide!"

"Why are you talking with that obnoxious voice all of a sudden?"

"Err…no reason." Harry reverted back to his normal tones. He liked to think of his voice of a smooth, masculine baritone. Okay maybe that was stretching the truth a tiny bit.

"Anyway…who are you thinking of asking?"

"You'll see," Harry answered with an enigmatic grin. In reality, he had no idea, but he liked to appear mysterious, like a ninja. Yeah, that was Harry Potter: silent but deadly.

XXXXX

Dumbledore stood up to announce the ball after dinner. Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he was targeted by many female glances.

"Oh, so now that I'm a champion, I'm suddenly attractive. Shallow bitches," he muttered.

"This is so exciting!" Hermione squealed. "Won't it be so great to get to know people from the other schools? I can't wait to learn about Durmstrang's famous alchemy courses, and…" Harry tuned her out as she continued listing everything she knew that was the least bit interesting about learning and foreign countries. On his other side, Neville looked pale as a ghost.

"Dates? This is –"

"NO!" Harry and Ron cut Neville off.

"Snivellus, then?" Harry peered at Neville intently, attempting to create that x-ray gaze thing that Dumbledore always had going on. Maybe one had to be absolutely crazy to do that. Or have an awesome beard. Harry needed a beard.

"Touché, salesman."

As he left dinner, Harry felt a sudden presence by his side.

"Hello, Luna."

"Hello, Harold. Did I mention that I'm single? Also, I'm rather petite now, but in a few years, I could have quite the bodacious body. It'd be quite a shame if you missed any opportunities that presented themselves now. Right about now, in fact."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Luna, would you like to go to the ball with me?"

"YES!" she exclaimed excitedly. "How did you ever know?"

"You know, something about you just told me."

"Oh good. I was worried that I'd have to start being unsubtle." Harry snorted and Luna continued: "Anyway, Patricia dearly wanted to take Fredward to the ball, but he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to get in without me."

"Mmm, an unfortunate aspect to being stuck to somebody's chin."

"Quite."

"So, was that the only reason you were being so…subtle…about wanting to go to the ball?" Harry wasn't sure how he felt about being used by Luna's beard, but at least he got out of the pressure of finding a date.

"The moon is in the house of Karflog!" Luna replied.

XXXXX

"So, Harry, I heard you're going with Looney Lovegood."

"So, Ron, I herd you like mudkipz." A small blue creature with orange spikes on its cheeks appeared in front of them.

"Not now, HPE," Harry scolded lightly. The creature disappeared, but a pie fell on Harry's head.

"Mmm, apple. _Scourgify_."

Hermione gaped at the incident, then shook her head as if it could make the strangeness go away. "I think you made a good choice, Harry. I mean, Luna isn't exactly, normal, but she's really nice!"

"Actually, her beard's just using me to get to Dumbledore's beard."

"Damn, Fredward's quite the man eater," Hermione replied thoughtfully. Harry stared at her.

"Anyway, Ron, have you thought of who you want to ask?" Harry inquired, while throwing pointed looks at the bushy-haired girl in front of him.

"No…" he answered hesitantly, looking confused at Harry's antics. Harry growled in frustration. If he knew his two best friends (and he was fairly confident that he _did_ know them), they'd be fighting non-stop by the time Hermione was taken and Ron stopped being so thick. He withdrew from the conversation and turned to his pet turtle, which he had changed back to normal after the task.

"Nancy! You're so cute! I could just eat you up!" Harry gushed. "Omnomnom!"

Nancy simply stared dolefully up at him.

XXXXX

Harry glared down at the golden egg. If he didn't figure this damn thing out soon, it'd permanently deafen him. Everything he'd tried before had failed miserably, as well as damaging his eardrums even more. There was only one thing left to do.

"Err, hello again, HPE. If you'd like to do something completely random and quite possibly helpful for me, it'd be just fantastic." After a brief moment, the empty classroom Harry was using was flooded with water.

"I LOVE YOU," Harry shouted, though the words only came out as bubbles. He was sure that HPE could understand Bubblish. Opening the egg, Harry heard a chorus of otherworldly voices rather than the usual shrieking. Though he had to resurface and dive back down many times, Harry eventually received the whole message.

_Come seek us where our voices sound,_

_We cannot sing above the ground,_

_And while you're searching ponder this;_

_We've taken what you'll sorely miss,_

_An hour long you'll have to look,_

_And to recover what we took,_

_But past an hour, the prospect's black,_

_Too late it's gone, it won't come back._

"Whoa, metal."

XXXXX

Author's Note: I feel like even though I had a disclaimer at the top of the story, I need another one here. No references to pop culture in this story belong to me.

This story is fun to write. It's almost a shame that I'll have to return to writing seriously when I finish my other story. I should probably do that soon, I hate it when authors don't finish their work. Oh right, I might have mentioned that before.

Beardy weirdy weirdadee doo!

Thanks for reading, reviewing, and subscribing lovelies! Kisses, hugs, XOXO, etc.


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